Vulnerable Uncertainty

Vulnerable Uncertainty

Recently, a friend expressed a dryness in his faith and described feeling a vulnerable uncertainty of the future. I thought, How utterly blessed he is! Why? Because the reality is that all of life is uncertain and we truly are vulnerable, but the world and our own willful determination often convince us otherwise and we ignore the truth. Acknowledging this truth places us on the precipice, positioning us to take that perfect leap of faith, a free-fall into a holy detachment.

Brother Lawrence was a Carmelite monk during the 17th century.  He worked in the kitchen and was said to have transformed drudgery into devotion. “…in the noise and clatter of my kitchen…I possess God in as great a tranquility as if I were on my knees at the Blessed Sacrament.” (The Practice of the Presence of God).  His collected letters reveal that his awareness of God’s presence led to a silent, but continual, conversation with the divine.  It also enabled him to become indifferent to what life might bring and abandon his sense of self as he focused on the love of God.

I am not certain what dry valley brought Brother Lawrence to his precipice, but I do know that at some point, most of us will encounter our own. Whether it be the cessation of a career, or relationship, the death of a loved one, or a parent’s “empty nest”, at some point we become stripped of how we once defined ourselves, our role in life, and what brought us meaning. It is here that we may enter into that dryness of faith, but it is also here where we have our greatest opportunity. This is when we have the opportunity to no longer concern ourselves with a defined role but to simply and wonderfully become a vessel for God’s love; to no longer worry about what life might bring, but to encounter every task and every person placed before us as God sent; to trust that His grace will be sufficient for every challenge we may encounter. It is also our opportunity to wait in peace until God reveals His will.

It isn’t always easy. For several weeks I have been torn about whether or not to apply for a new position at work. I’ve been an instructional coach for 3 years at a middle school, working with Language Arts teachers. I enjoy my work and find it fulfilling. However, another opportunity is on the horizon which excites me with the prospect of new challenges and opportunities for professional growth. I’ve told people that I’m praying about it. But I haven’t exactly been at peace while I’ve waited for God to reveal what He wants me to do. The peaceful wait and discernment requires us to listen, to remain in His presence regardless of where we are, what task is at hand. And although I have prayed about it, I truly haven’t abandoned “my wants” or “needs” in the process. I also haven’t abdicated the “decision” entirely to God. If I had, instead of saying, “I’m torn. I can’t decide,” my response would be, “I’m waiting to see what God wants me to do.” Sheesh! And this isn’t even a valley! Or perhaps it is…

Perhaps it is Christ inviting me to the precipice, encouraging me to free fall into holy detachment, to let go of my will and impression of who I think I am supposed to be, and relish the vulnerable uncertainty as I practice being in the presence of God.

~Sheila LaSalle